10 questions and answers about infidelity
Most couples consider fidelity as one of the bases upon which a loving relationship is built. Therefore, it is not strange that One of the main reasons why couples go to psychological therapy is to overcome infidelity .
- Related article: "How to know when to go to couple therapy? 5 reasons of weight"
The opinion of psychologists: questions and answers about infidelity
Today we have the collaboration of Rosario Linares and Irene Gómez, both psychologists of El Prado Psychologists, one of the most important centers of Psychology in Madrid, to help us understand why infidelities occur, what consequence this act has in the relationship of couple and its members, and what is the psychological treatment in these cases. We will explore this topic from questions and answers about infidelity .
1. For what reasons are you unfaithful?
Behind the infidelity always denotes that there is a weak point in the relationship, either by dissatisfaction with the couple (conflict, lack of communication, not feeling loved, lack of passion, fear of commitment, etc.), although there are also cases in that the problem is not with the couple themselves, but with the person who is unfaithful.
There are people who are compulsive infidels , be with whom they are, due to a personal problem, either lack of self-esteem (they can seek to reaffirm themselves through conquest) or they can be addicted to sex or people who have paraphilias (strange sexual behaviors) that try to satisfy outside of the couple. There are also people with narcissistic personalities for whom the concept of betrayal does not exist, because they do not feel empathy for their partner or people who due to their emotional immaturity do not want to give up anything, and put their own pleasure before committing themselves to their partner.
2. Does the infidel always feel guilty?
Among unfaithful people there are two types, those who feel guilty, and those who do not, the degree of awareness of why they have been unfaithful varies from one person to another, but what happens to those who feel guilty is that Despite knowing the reason why they have been infidels, they wonder why, because they do not understand how they could have endangered their relationship.
There is a part of them that has wanted to be unfaithful and another that has not, the part that does not want to be unfaithful is the one that asks: why have I done it? In the second case they self-justify and they have clear reasons, and it does not generate guilt, they only worry that their partner does not discover them. In the latter case, guilt can appear when they are discovered, when they become aware of the consequences of their actions and the damage they have caused in the other person.
3. How does a relationship change after knowing an infidelity?
After knowing an infidelity there is a before and after. At first there is an emotional tsunami, after this the relationship can end in rupture or the person can decide to continue with the other person, but if the relationship is followed without forgiving the other, it is more likely that sooner or later the relationship it deteriorates so much that it ends up breaking. Knowing an infidelity affects above all the confidence that you have from then on in the other person, and the image that is had about it, and many times the person who has discovered infidelity even if he decides to follow, moves away emotionally from the other person. You can also establish jealousy and control over the couple from that moment on.
4. Can all couples overcome infidelity?
94% of couples' therapists believe that couples can overcome infidelity according to a survey conducted in the United Kingdom. Many couples can overcome an infidelity, although not all, depends on the attitude that is taken from knowing infidelity. If after passing a first phase of anger we cling to the pain and what we do is use infidelity as a throwing weapon and resentment towards the other person is established the relationship deteriorates and it is easy for it to end in rupture .
There are many couples who overcome an infidelity, although often the infidelity does not transcend outside the couple and we do not get to know this fact, but there are more couples than we think. Although most people think they would not forgive an infidelity, when this happens they change their mind, since they value the positive of the relationship and weigh more the love they have towards the other person or the children they have in common, for example.
5. What do couples who, after having discovered an infidelity, decide to go to a therapist to overcome, have in common?
The majority of couples who come for infidelity they come to consultation with a very deteriorated emotional state , in many occasions, one of the members or both have doubts about whether the best would be a possible separation and see the therapy as a last resort or as a decision making process about whether to continue the relationship or not.
6. What is the process to recover trust in the other?
To be able to restore trust you first need to sincerely ask for forgiveness. The process of asking for forgiveness implies recognizing that what he did caused damage or offended the other, to truly feel the other's pain, to analyze his own behavior, to define an action plan so that it does not happen again, commit to rebuild the couple, explicitly ask forgiveness from the other and restore the damage caused . In therapy, it is important to have a deep understanding of the history of the relationship in order to analyze all the factors that influenced the infidelity. It is essential that the couple reach exchange agreements in order to prevent possible situations of risk for the couple
7. What dynamics are worked in the different sessions?
In couples therapy we work empathy a lot. One of the techniques for example would be the reversal of roles in which both members make the effort to put themselves in the skin of the other. In all couples therapy, communication, positive exchanges and negotiations are very important aspects.
In the particular case of infidelity, when both members of the couple have suffered disappointments, it is useful to make a list of grievances in which each member of the couple makes a list of situations in which they have felt aggrieved by the other. Next to each grievance, it is written what concrete act of reparation of his partner would serve to be able to turn the page , during the following session the two lists are discussed and plans are made to carry out the relief.
8. What issues have to work / reinforce each, both the one who has been unfaithful and the one who has been cheated?
It is important that both members commit themselves to do their part to overcome the situation, on the part of the person who has been deceived it is important that the other person be able to repair the damage and initiate changes, the person who has cheated has to compromise in following the process to recover the trust of the other mentioned above.
9. Is it just as complex to go through that process as a couple for each other?
Normally it is hard for both, for the person who has been deceived it is difficult to get out of the reproach and accusation and re-trusting while for the person who has cheated can be difficult to repair the relationship and face the blame.
10. Do you really get to forgive and "forget" an infidelity?
Forgetting is never possible, forgiving the damage and repairing it is possible, but it is a process that requires time, effort and the commitment of both members of the couple
