4 failures that parents commit when their children disobey
Anyone who has looked after children or girls knows that, in certain aspects, they can become like a time bomb. The "bad" behavior and tantrums are an element that can appear with astonishing frequency; In most cases, the weird thing is that the little ones adhere to the rules that we put them , not the opposite.
However, if children have an almost natural tendency to ignore norms, fathers and mothers have not developed an innate, intuitive-based ability to deal with this. They must learn from their experience to get it and pay close attention to what strategies they use to curb the misbehavior of their sons or daughters.
Unfortunately, in this process of learning on the fly appear a series of very frequent errors that are totally avoidable. In most cases, detecting them and eliminating them costs time and effort, so if you want to save yourself trouble you can always read what comes next: the most frequent mistakes that fathers and mothers make in the face of children's disobedience .
Frequent traps to avoid when the little ones disobey
During childhood ideas as abstract as civility, perseverance or long-term plans mean nothing . Sigmund Freud said that this reflected the nature of the It, one of the three psychic structures that according to him operated in the back of the mind of human beings. However, apart from psychoanalysis, this phenomenon has a scientifically explained motive: its frontal lobes are not so connected to the rest of the brain as to make their decisions go far beyond the here and now.
In fact, during the first months of life babies have serious difficulties in "disengaging" their attention from the first thing they see, although they intuit that there is something more important that they are not looking at. As the neurons of the infant brain connect more to each other forming the so-called white matter, the ability to direct one's actions towards long-term goals is improving , but this is a gradual process that does not end until well into adolescence.
Therefore, what parents should aim at is to adapt to the mentality of their children and to create coexistence strategies that are not toxic for both sides. Let's see what are the most frequent errors when it comes to managing the disobedience of children at home.
1. The demonstrations of power
One of the traps in which fathers and mothers fall is to take disobedience as a direct challenge to their authority, something that must be managed as if it were a game of military intimidation.
That a boy or girl does not follow the rules does not mean that he does it to challenge . In fact, the most probable thing is that his actions are a consequence, simply, that he does not take those rules into account, that he forgets them. This is very common, since many times behavioral norms that seem to us to be common sense are, before their eyes, devoid of meaning, something that is not understood and that, therefore, they do not get to memorize.
So, to avoid this error, first we must make sure if we are dealing with a case of "disobedience" or, rather, of simple "non-obedience". In case it is the latter, we must make an effort to make the son or daughter understand what logic is behind the norm.
2. Imitate the tantrum
Seeing how a child screams and verbally attacks us for a norm that he does not like can make us fall into the temptation to do basically the same thing: getting angry and counterattacking. But in these cases this it's just fighting the fire with more fire , and only serves for two people to have a stressful and unpleasant time.
If this tantrum results in a punishment, which is very frequent, we must bear in mind that this punishment will not be interpreted as anything other than an extension of the tantrum of the father or the mother. This is: the reason for the punishment will be that of a personal satisfaction related to what the adult feels in the here and now, nothing more.
That is why children who receive punishments constantly develop resentment and frustration, something that in no case leads them to behave better, but to behave worse in a better way, without receiving the punishments.
3. Give way
Giving in when children refuse to follow certain rules is always counterproductive, since it is an act that speaks for itself and whose message is "disobeying works" . That is to say, one goes to believe that following the rules is something optional and, by extension, the rules are useless. They are simply an annoying obstacle to dodge, as they are present or you can not do what you want.
4. Show that nothing has happened
This error resembles the previous one, but with a nuance. While if we give up we are implying that the rule is eliminated and no longer counts, by ignoring the transgression of the rule we introduce a good dose of ambiguity in the situation. Does the father or mother not act because he has not realized that he has disobeyed, or has realized and has not considered that to be important? The feeling of inattention and that what one does does not matter to anyone is very negative, although this option is the most comfortable short-term for the adult : simply, avoid getting into trouble
Thus, disobedience must always have a consequence, although this is the reformulation of the rules to find a better balance between both interests. The negotiation can be very positive, since it is a way of demonstrating the idea that the needs and concerns of the sons and daughters are taken into account and respected .
- Related article: "Child psychology: a practical guide for fathers and mothers"
