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8 golden rules to overcome a couple conflict

8 golden rules to overcome a couple conflict

February 29, 2024

In personal relationships, discrepancies arise sooner or later, because each person has their point of view, their beliefs and their particular way of seeing the world.

Having differences is natural, the bitter part appears when you become a dead end. The relationship deteriorates and the suffering and estrangement of the couple appear . In couples therapies we are constantly opening alternatives to find an exit in the alley.

  • Related article: "The 14 most common problems in relationships

Approach to couple conflicts: what to do?

In the day to day of the Psicode Institute we use a myriad of techniques with which we look for other options to solve problems that the couple can not by itself. We mediate, we work with flexibility, we undo toxic dynamics, we create healthy communication scenarios, we teach to close past histories, we frighten the pride, we present the forgiveness and the magic of the reconquest. Anyway, we psychologists become facilitators of agreement and harmony in the couple.


It is very curious, however, that Most couples face the same problems again and again . Each pair ends up repeating the same scenes and themes of conflict. Even the people who form it know what the outcome of the situation will be, but they can not avoid it; They do the same thing again and again, hoping it will be solved. But both are trapped by the conflict.

Something that amazes us is that, when they go to the consultation, we observe that many couples have in their repertoire very good communication skills . Some have even read and trained in assertiveness, but even with these they do not overcome conflicts.


Why can not they solve it on their own?

There are many emotions involved , such as anger, guilt or fear, which prevent us from seeing the solution. The topic of conversation becomes stressful just by mentioning it, because there have been many occasions of failure in the attempt and because they seek for the other to see the world as they do, from the same perspective. There the main obstacle appears. The constant struggle to find who is right.

The topics that are mostly in the consultation that are the most frequent reasons for discussion are usually: criticisms regarding the lack of involvement in domestic responsibilities and with children, different points of view regarding education with children, problems with political families, unfulfilled infidelities, demands of individuality not understood by the other member of the couple, problems in sexual relationships, addictions or jealousy.


Keys to overcome the conflict of couple

From these considerations, let's look at 8 rules that can help you get out of the conflict.

1. Talk about the problem when you are not immersed in it

Usually in couples there are certain repetitive scenes that end with a bad outcome. The couple mistakenly tries to put a solution in the moment that the problem happens, then the great dispute appears. It is difficult to find reasons when we have the emotional brain taking control of us. Therefore, it is advisable to talk about the problem once it has passed, not "in situ".

It is not necessary to solve it now or today. Possibly you can talk about it and reach an agreement when you are calm.

2. Before you start talking about the problem, prepare yourself mentally

Do a small exercise of adjustment of expectations for later Do not get frustrated if the situation does not develop as you would like .

It starts from the premise that when you expose the subject, the other person will not perceive it as you do.

The different points of view are just that, differences. You have to find an intermediate point to adjust them and solve the problem. For this, you have to go through a process of dialogue ; the solution does not come immediately. Do not get frustrated if it does not come out the first time, because that will increase the anger and it will be more difficult to handle it.

Reflect on how the other person lives the situation , try to see it from your perspective. Do a little exercise of empathy to put yourself in the place of the other, to understand why perhaps the other member of the couple is acting like this. Surely you will find in the exercise that the other person has no intentionality to hurt you, but interprets the situation in a different way.

Remember that each one proposes different solutions, marked by their culture, their models of childhood beliefs, their past experiences ... This makes you draw conclusions, values ​​different from yours, and that does not see the problem as you do.

  • Maybe you're interested: "Empathy, much more than putting yourself in the place of the other"

3. When you feel small and helpless, do not resort to generating fear

You can draw your strength by talking about a future where both of you are happy. For example, we find many cases that resort to threatening separation in the minimum dispute. This generates more tension in the situation and makes it more difficult to look for an option.

Try to find arguments in which you manifest your intention to solve the problem, to put your part to look for consensus and keep walking together . This option makes the other member keep his defensive shield and so it is easier to communicate and search for alternatives.

4. The more the other is disturbed, the more efforts I have to make to keep calm

If we can not be in an atmosphere conducive to dialogue, that will be the signal that it is not time to talk. We can postpone it. There is a strange mania in solving everything already, and that only brings more problems. For example, on weekends, without the interruptions and pressures of day-to-day obligations , they favor that there is more approach in the communication and with that the solution is more accessible.

5. Asking forgiveness is not weak

Sometimes, with a simple I feel a thousand ways of solution are opened. Do not be afraid. Pride only ruins the problem .

6. Without spectators, it is better

Remember the most important rule: "With children in front, no" , because in the end they suffer with the discussions and do not know how to handle it. Sometimes problems arise in front of friends or family. It is better to make a big heart and leave it for later, because having witnesses in front, the imperative need to be right and that only makes us become more radical and radical to win in front of others.

7. Train yourself in the A-B-C, the 3 ingredients that will help you express yourself

First, talk about how you feel without judging the other person . Show your part according to what the other thinks or feels and validate it too.

Secondly, ask him without using reproaches and without letting go of ironies what you expect , what you would like to happen. Do it without generalities and abstractions, the more concrete the better. Remember not to take the past, we look forward.

Finally, explain the positive consequences that you think it would have if what demands happened, not only for the couple but for each of the two separately.

8. We will not open several doors at once

If you are talking about a topic, it is very important that you do not attract another error or problem. Forbidden to mix topics to be full of reason . The key is to dialogue, and find solutions step by step. If we mix, we open many wounds and then it is difficult to remain rational enough to find the way out. If the other feels very guilty or hurt, it will help him to do his part, rather he will tend to defend himself.

We hope these rules help you, if at some point you think you need a reinforcement or help you out of the alley, at the Psicode Institute we have experts to guide you. You can call us at 910000209.


How to Save Your Marriage And Stop Divorce (Complete Guide) (February 2024).


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