Absorbing relationships: what to do and how to recognize them
Relationships between couples tend to be an aspect of emotional life marked by the intensity of emotions involved It is normal that in the day to day you spend a lot of time thinking about the couple or experiences related to it, even when it is not there. However, there are limits to everything, and sometimes these emotional ties translate into habits and routines that demand too much from oneself.
In this article we will talk about the absorbing relationships , what are the characteristics that allow to detect them and what type of solution can each of the problems that it poses (although in some cases the most reasonable solution is to end the relationship, as we will see).
- Related article: "The power struggle in couple relationships"
The absorbing relationships: how are they?
It is normal that people involved in a relationship notice from time to time certain tensions at the time of living maintaining that special emotional bond. After all, have a romantic type of relationship requires, to a greater or lesser extent, accept a commitment .
Obligations and shared responsibilities make the prospect of making sacrifices in the present to be with the other person long-term reasonable efforts, and as being in a couple requires a certain time and resources, this does not always fit with what each member, separately, you want in the here and now.
However, it is one thing to invest the reasonable in the relationship and to express to the other that we take into account their interests, and another is not to be able to have life because of the constant demands linked (at least, apparently) to that loving bond. It is at this point that absorbing relationships appear.
An absorbing relationship is, in short, a relational dynamic between two or more people in which there is a clear asymmetry and one of the members you have to sacrifice a lot to meet the demands of the other, or all the people involved have to devote all their efforts and time to the relationship, constantly, and with great effort. But this definition is somewhat ambiguous, so let's see what are the usual characteristics of these relationships.
1. You have to wait many days to have time alone
Each person has different needs when it comes to needing to be alone with more or less frequency, but the normal and healthy thing is that they do not have to wait for days to be able to do it (starting from the moment that the desire to reserve a moment for oneself).
In some cases, the members of the couple they have a distorted view of reality , according to which both form something like a super-organism composed of two people who can never be separated and who must share everything. Trying to follow that principle is exhausting and frustrating in the vast majority of cases. Incloso who are more in love usually require moments to do things of interest without the interference of others.
- Maybe you're interested: "This is the personality of those who love solitude and do not fear being single."
2. No time to see friends
The fact of starting a relationship does not mean leaving friends aside. These bonds of friendship, which often take years of travel behind their backs, are very valuable, but some people believe that in love relationships they are expected not to attend to this kind of personal ties considered "peripheral". There are cases, even, in which it is assumed that meeting those people without going with the couple, or without mentioning it before, it is a betrayal , something that obviously discourages this kind of meetings.
This not only makes these friendships languish with the passage of time. In addition, it generates isolation, which makes entering a vicious circle: it is dedicated all the time to the couple because there is no one else with whom to meet and do things or launch interesting projects.
3. It's about changing the personality to fit in with the other
There is nothing wrong in trying to improve in some aspects, but there are cases in which the members of an absorbing relationship, or one of them, propose modify the entire structure of your own personality to be able to fit perfectly with your partner, to the point of trying to develop hobbies for which you do not feel true interest, you adopt a pose and an artificial attitude that does not correspond to your own identity, etc.
In short, it is one thing to improve aiming at an objective that has a real meaning for oneself, and another is to take as a reference what is believed that the other person expects and make efforts to become that, only for the supposed good of the relationship.
4. Passive-aggressive attitudes are adopted before the own initiative
In many absorbing relationships, it is seen with bad eyes that certain norms are broken, although technically they have no real value, they are considered important because they have to do with being together.
It is not that they are elements with a symbolic value associated with an important event (for example, going to the movies on the birthday of the relationship, as it was done on the first date), but that it is not supposed to be broken those rules because the opposite it involves individual thinking outside of the couple .
For example, going to work in the office instead of doing it on the couch at home with the lover or in love or, in a less extreme case, dedicating a Friday to go to a concert without the other person because they do not want to go.
In these cases, passive aggressive attitudes work as a punishment without theoretically doing anything wrong.
What to do?
In communication and honesty is the key. It is necessary to express one's needs that one has and that they do not have to be limited to the environment of the couple, and to do it assertively and honestly, but not unilaterally or curtly, since it is a change of habits that can be delicate and easy to misinterpret if everything that really happens is not explained.
On the other hand, if the other person is not able to respect the fact that more space is needed for oneself, this is considered a serious problem that transforms this relational dynamic into a toxic relationship, in which it is easy to produce bad deals (not necessarily physical).