Choose partner: 5 important aspects to consider
Why do we fail so much when choosing a couple? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?
There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision taken not only from the emotion and impulsiveness of falling in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all the lucidity that can be had in a brain flooded with oxytocin).
The problem is not that love is predestined to failure: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.
Misguided love choices
The problem comes when we rush when choosing a partner, either because we do not want or know how to be alone and we throw ourselves into the arms of the first one who provides us with attention, well because we do not love each other, and we need someone else to fill our lack of self-esteem with their care and affection, or because they blind us certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing the whole of their personality.
Looking for a protective figure
If we relate from the lack is likely to look in the partner (unconsciously) a substitute for our father / mother , a nurse, a psychologist or someone who fulfills all those roles at the same time.
This will make the relationship immediately unbalanced, our demands grow and we will never be satisfied our needs, the other person will be exhausted and the relationship will eventually lead to unhappiness, hatred or rupture.
Therefore, the main step that we always forget is to learn to be alone with ourselves.
To be complete people, to treat our shortcomings, to establish clear life goals , manage our emotions, tolerate frustration and fear of failure, self-care and love as unique and unrepeatable people that we are ... all these factors will allow our affective life to be healthier and beneficial for all.
Mini-guide on the choice of couple
Once we have done that task of introspection and personal work we will be (relatively) prepared to start a loving relationship.
What filters can we use when choosing the person with whom to start a relationship?
1. Remember our failed relationships
Avoiding that the "ex" is present in another person's body is necessary, since we tend to always choose the same type of couples, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and end up in conflict always for the same reasons.
Identify what failed in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have so as not to end up equally bad.
2. Find common points
Observe and identify the other person's values, beliefs and life expectancies and assess if objectively fit with yours.
If for example you do not want to have children and you enter in relation with a woman who is wishing to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated that will lead or end the relationship, or to renounce one of the members to her life plan, that will generate anger, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction.
3. Examine the conversation
One of the most enriching experiences of being in a couple is to open yourself to the other person and be able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through the word.
When there is no fluent conversation, it is likely that you will quickly get boredom and dissatisfaction.
4. Look at the sense of humor
Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who does not make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a sense of humor and be able to have fun together.
5. Same degree of commitment in the relationship
Either a monogamous or polygamous relationship, what is important is that both members agree with the degree of exclusivity by which they want to build their relationship.
Still following these guidelines can the relationship "fail"?
Of course. First of all we have to free ourselves from the idea of the couple as something eternal, of the "forever", since within the uncertainty that a relationship supposes, everything can happen.
It is therefore important to continue building our life beyond the couple, making it an important part of our lives, but not a whole, eliminating phrases such as "you are my life" from my vocabulary, "I can not live without you", " always yours "more typical of emotional and affective dependence than of love.
- Maybe you're interested: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"
