Coytocentrism: causes and symptoms of obsession with coitus

We are all born with a few innate abilities that allow us to survive in our environment, such as the sucking instinct or crying that allows the attention of the adult when the baby has any need. Behaviors that make up a broad repertoire of behaviors that do not require prior learning. The rest of skills such as walking, swimming or speaking a language, are acquired throughout life.

In the same way, we acquire skills to relate sexually with other people . This learning will be fundamentally conditioned by three variables: the experiences lived, the education received in the immediate environment and the norms that the culture marks in each moment through a frame of reference in which we must move.

• Related article: "The main sexual and psychosexual disorders"

What is the Reference Framework in the sexual sphere?

It is the sexual model that culture has instilled in us and on which we build our way of living and express our sexuality.

That framework in our culture (and in many others) marks the red lines on which our sexual behavior should be framed . Determine what is right or wrong, what is expected of us based on our age or whether we are male or female.

The frame of reference is composed of a structure where four fundamental blocks are identified that are listed below.

1. The end of sex is reproductive

During centuries, it has been understood that reproduction was the most important end of sexual intercourse . This has fortunately changed in the last decades, the reproduction passes a second plane in favor of the pleasant end.

2. The frame of reference is Coytocentric

Given the importance that reproduction has had until recently in sexual relations, intercourse or vaginal penetration has represented from the distant past the practice of choice during sex, in that it is the behavior that increases the likelihood of fertilization. This idea has been perpetuated and remains active in the present.

In this way, intercourse instead of being interpreted as another sexual practice, it is considered as the center of sexual relations , everything revolves around him, hence the term "Coytocentrist". A clear example of this has been the importance that over the centuries has been given to "virginity", that is, to the first time vaginal intercourse is performed.

3. Sex = genitals

If the priority goal of the relationship is the reproductive and to reproduce I need to do a coitus, to do a coitus I need genitals. The modesty or the need that almost everyone feels to hide this part of our body in most contexts (something mandatory when going to a public pool for example) justifies this idea.

The association we learn between sex and genitals is so powerful that it prevents us from understanding a sexual relationship without genitals . The importance that culture has given to the size of the penis associated with sexual potency / pleasure, also explains why the genitals are considered for the referential frame vital piece of sexuality.

4. Inequality between men and women

The frame of reference that we learn is macho, since it attributes to men a series of priorities and obligations in the sexual sphere and to other women. In heterosexual relationships, the man always has to have sex, must provide pleasure to the woman and can not miss, that is, have to have an erection in each relationship in addition to having to last at least as long as she needs to reach your orgasm, among other obligations more.

Women, on the other hand, should not show too much their sexual desire to avoid being labeled "light" , it must include the emotional in its sexual relations (so as not to do "sex for sex") and enjoy the son that the man marks, among others.

How to combat co-centrism?

Focusing too much attention on intercourse can lead to unwanted consequences such as the appearance of sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, etc.). Therefore, it is convenient to think that:

• Making sex is not the same as doing coitus : for everything commented before, human sexuality covers a broad spectrum of behaviors, desires and emotions so that coitus should be understood as just another game. Focusing sexuality on sexual intercourse can generate negative effects for several reasons. In the first place, we make our sexual relations very poor (by reducing the sexual relationship to a single practice). Secondly, giving much importance to intercourse makes this more important than it really is, this may favor the appearance of anxiety for doing it well, for measuring it up and causing some sexual problem as already mentioned.

• It is convenient to get out of the monotony and integrate other non-coital behaviors into our sexual relationships , even not genitals (caresses or massages in other parts of the body for example), since this will expand our repertoire and consequently our sexual satisfaction.

• The most important goal of sexuality is pleasure and sexual satisfaction , therefore, there are no first and second behaviors but in any case, behaviors that satisfy us more or less. Individual or partner masturbation, oral sex, caresses, etc. they should not lose priority in a mandatory way in our repertoire regarding intercourse. We must not confuse the end (pleasure / sexual satisfaction) with the environment (sexual practice), so the end should not be intercourse, as this will be in any case a means to achieve that pleasant end. If we have the right mental attitude, we can also feel satisfied regardless of the sexual behavior we do.

• It is not about demonizing intercourse but about giving it the just importance that may have and try to expand the options of enjoyment according to the tastes and preferences of each one.

In short, being critical or at least reasoning about the positive and negative consequences of what culture sometimes imposes on us and choosing the option that best suits our tastes (including choosing to be very co-operative), will make us more free in many areas , also in the sexual one.