Do you always choose the same type of partner?
What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?
This question seems very simple, but many people say that they really do not know why they choose one person or another. They say that maybe they are guided at first by certain characteristics -physical or not- that catch their attention or some personality trait or simply guided by an intuition.
Do you always choose the same type of partner?
It is curious that many people, after breaking an unsatisfactory relationship, fall into a similar situation again and again over time. This situation is due to There is a common denominator in these relationships , they fall in love with a person very similar to their former partner and that leads to repeating the same pattern. Therefore, this generates very similar situations and conflicts in different relationships -but not so different from each other-.
Scientific studies say that people tend to relate to their partners in a way similar to how they learned to relate to their parents during their childhood. Depending on that, a wide range of relational possibilities can be found. If the relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfactory, they will tend to look for similar couples to their parents - in the way of relating and communicating with each other.
On the other hand, if the relationships with the parents were rather negative, conflicting and insane, they tend to repeat those relational patterns in future couples. And why does that happen?
The insecurities that we drag from children
This is due to the fact that in the parental relationships some insecurities , some fears and some emotional needs that left, in some way, that emotional mark that usually accompanies them throughout life. They can look for people who apparently seem different from those figures, but who unconsciously have something in common. That's because they try to do better what the parents did wrong-or what could be improved.
They are people who at the beginning of a new relationship are related in a positive and healthy way. But that, faced with some odd difficulty or problem in a couple - which always appear over time - make these insecurities and fears come to the surface. That makes them become absorbing, distrustful, distant , etc., which is what they learned in the way they related to their parents.
At this time they feel disappointed with their partner, because they are completely different from what they knew about that person at the beginning of that relationship. And it is not true that they are different people -the beginning and the end of the relationship- but, in the beginning, they were related in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when one of the two members or both those fears are activated for some reason. They begin to relate from insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and recorded in their childhood.
Trying not to trip over the same stone
We talk about the tendency to follow the patterns that were learned in childhood, but nobody says that these patterns can not be modified. If one realizes that those patterns lead him to be unhappy with the choice of his fellow travelers in life, he must do something to get out of that situation. With more or less difficulty you can modify some things so that recidivism in the search for erroneous couple patterns vary, change and disappear.
How could we change these reoccurring and problematic patterns? To get out of this recidivism in the search for complicated relationship patterns, we have to meet the following points:
1. Identify our fears
Think about what makes us more afraid when we are in a relationship and think about why we may feel this way (parental relationships in childhood, some broken love not overcome, etc.).
2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and what are the problems that you tend to live with your partners
In this way you will identify what are the things that you have to work individually.
3. Overcome fears
Do not be afraid of things happening before they happen. But do not be those fears that lead you to propitiate situations that make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.
4. Have confidence in yourself and value yourself (know yourself)
We have to bear in mind that every person has a series of virtues and defects (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of it can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviors can be worked and promoted. You should not think that your happiness depends on the person you have by your side (that helps or power) but you yourself should feel good and happy for you alone.
5. Expand horizons
Discover that there are interesting people who come from "the patterns in which you usually fix" and that can bring you many things.Expand the type of person in which you usually fix, both physically and personally.