Grief for death: the process of seeking consolation
A few months ago, on the cusp of the greatest pain I personally experienced, I received one of those well-intentioned phrases that stirred emotions that I had not experienced before; "It's good that as a tanatologist you will not hurt so much and you will get over it sooner than the rest of us". I still feel the echo of these words drilling in my head.
Death is one of those experiences with which psychologists, sophatologists, doctors, and health professionals in general deal in an artificially developed way and called professional and vicarious, but that does not escape the life experience that you have or will have in some moment of one's own life, because dying is the natural consequence of being alive, and that's why It is important to know how to manage grief due to the death of a loved one , or at least to have the resources to go through those moments in the best possible way.
- Related article: "The duel: facing the loss of a loved one"
Losing a close loved one not only upsets what one thinks of oneself and the purpose of life, but also compromises the stability of the constructed throughout an experience accompanying grieving processes. But What happens when the loss expert does not accept your losses? What happens when the pain rethinks the own way of facing an absence? What do you do when the medicine does not comfort the same doctor who recommends it?
Of course, part of the treatment is to request the treatment itself. But nevertheless, this will not prevent the very pain of loss ; and in the flesh, discover that neither, necessarily, prevents each of the stages of mourning, that each of those dark thoughts and each of these stages of anger against life appear and leave their mark in passing.
- Related article: "Thanatology: the study of death"
What can be done in the face of the need for comfort in this situation?
The most powerful tool that people have to repair, rebuild, reorganize and comfort us is the emotional and physical closeness of another human being . The trust in the contact, the privacy provided by the intimacy and the certainty of being listened to is the most effective but not necessarily immediate medicine to soften the ravages of the irremediable.
If ever, you have someone who is in some way related to the pain of others professionally directly or indirectly, I can tell you that you need the same comforting hug and the same interested ear as any other human being through the experience of losing a loved one like any other person, without a direct relationship with the subject in a professional manner.
If any occasion happens to you, remember that the experience of mourning does not obey standard or generalizable experience . The experience of mourning for death is unique, incomparable and inevitable at some point in life, so leaning on a loved one and empathic will be the best remedy.
Coping with death mourning
If you have the honor and the opportunity to accompany someone in this process directly, professionally or non-professionally, it is necessary to have an openness so that the expression free of prejudices flows and the emotions fulfill their function of beginning to organize the interior cracked by the trauma. And, above all, take into account that common sense, respect for the uniqueness of the experience, as well as shared silence, although in everyday life are dismissed, in these cases, are the syrup that facilitates the digestion of the most bitter of the experience of a loss by death.
Of course, the tanatological or psychotherapeutic support is desired although not indispensable to overcome a loss by death. Go to the professional if you can, if not, look for the company of someone you trust to support you in the most difficult moments of grief. In case you do not find any consolation or your duel becomes more and more suffocating, you should go with a professional duly prepared to accompany you with respect, dignity and openness.
Alva Ramirez Villatoro, Psychologist.