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How to emotionally manage an infidelity

How to emotionally manage an infidelity

September 17, 2022

One of the biggest reasons for consultation of people who go to couples therapy is infidelity . This phenomenon occurs relatively frequently in society, and couples increasingly go to the Psicode Institute with this reason for consultation.

Discover an infidelity can generate devastating effects on couples : problems of trust, jealousy, frequent arguments, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. Different relationship dynamics are created that destabilize the members of the couple, the couple itself and even the family environment.

  • Related article: "What does science reveal about infidelity?"

The challenge: overcome infidelity

When a couple in this situation asks for help, the crisis originated can even generate doubts about breaking the relationship. On other occasions, although they are sure that they want to stay together, they are unable to approach emotionally . And this is where the work of the professional comes in.


The psychologist is an expert person, emotionally distanced from the problem, whose objective is to help rebuild the trust in the relationship and the feeling of union and complicity that broke with infidelity.

The couple's therapist has an objective view of the problem, does not make moral judgments or look for guilty parties. Analyze the situation and use scientifically supported techniques to help the couple.

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Why are we unfaithful?

The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In a recent investigation conducted by IPSOS, among the reasons indicated by the respondents were: experience something different by having an adventure , take revenge for a previous infidelity of your partner, convince yourself that you really want to be with your partner or ignite the spark in your own relationship.


But the main reason they stated was "Gain self-confidence." This is the most important reason why people are infidels, more frequent than the boredom of the routine of a stable relationship.

In our society today, seduction and the fact of liking others is highly valued. Infidelity It covers the need for admiration that many people have . It helps them to have more self-confidence and to improve their self-esteem.

The game of seduction traps and engages the person. At first the person begins the game of "foolishness", without thinking that nothing serious will arise. But little by little he gets hooked to that dose of reinforcement that the other provides. He feels very well knowing that he likes and seduces and does not want to stop feeling it, for that reason he continues with the game, which increasingly becomes more addictive.

This reinforcement of self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of the other, but is created largely by oneself. Seducing implies exhibiting the most beautiful part of oneself and this is where we fall into the trap: you get hooked to the sensation of feeling a "seducer", you get the best of you to captivate the other person and then "zas! "The crush arises, you love yourself. It is a feeling that you had forgotten with your usual partner, because you do not have to conquer it anymore.


The latent love problems

At other times, we find infidelity as a means to an end. That is to say, it is through it, the way that the person of Express a discomfort in your relationship .

There are couples who have problems and do not talk about it, because it seems that "if you do not talk about them, it's as if they did not exist". They are distancing themselves with the passage of time and do nothing to solve it, they just get carried away. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful, is usually the starting point to start talking about the problems and solve them. It would be something like "hit bottom" to then resurface.

These people go to couples therapy and their first reason for consultation is to overcome infidelity, but this is only the starting point. When this is achieved and there is reconciliation, it's time to start working on all those aspects that were failing in the couple and that are the ones that have led one of them to be unfaithful.

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"Will I be able to forgive an infidelity?"

This is one of the questions most often asked by people who have been betrayed when they go to therapy the first day. They say things like: "I would like to forgive, but I do not know if I will be able because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like that".

It is normal to have doubts about whether they will be able to forgive and that everything will be as before. Infidelity destabilizes the couple's relationship, generates conflicts , it causes the confidence in the other to be lost and breaks the feeling of union and intimacy. Fortunately, all this can be recovered with the help of a professional.

The person who has been deceived feels humiliated, betrayed and defenseless in the face of the situation. He usually feels a lot of anger, anger and a feeling of revenge towards the other and believes that these feelings will never change, that is why he feels that he will not be able to forgive.

All people are capable of forgiveness. Some people forgive easily and others cost more. The ease of forgiveness It is also related to what the "infidel" does to be forgiven, with the severity of the infidelity and how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was something confessed or not). In the clinic we always find obstacles that prevent reunion.

Go beyond the rancor

One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who has felt betrayed, because while this emotion is at stake it is difficult to move forward.

The sessions are not easy. It is not about telling us positive things or remembering that we love each other and thinking that this is going to be solved. It's a much deeper job, emotional unlocking , of adjustment of beliefs, of installation of new interpretations to recreate the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and confidence is restored. Each session is different, in a few sessions you work with the two members of the couple at the same time and in others separately.

The ultimate goal is to walk together again and that the couple "reinvent" after this crisis, so that at the end of therapy, both feel that not only has overcome infidelity, but have healed wounds from the past and have grown as people and as a couple.

From the Psicode Institute, after 12 years of work helping couples, we encourage them to experience the benefits of couples therapy before deciding to break up their relationship. 90% of the couples that come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in such a situation, you will find the contact details of the Psicode Institute in this link.


Dr. Phil's Advice for Couples Coping with Infidelity | Oprah's Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network (September 2022).


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