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"I do not find that special person": 6 causes and solutions

February 26, 2024

The desire to have a partner, related or not with the intention of forming a family, they are a relatively frequent source of concern in people of almost all ages .

It is also very common but no less unpleasant and stressful, that the problems when finding someone suitable become a cause of concern that produces anxiety or something that generates a sense of hopelessness in those who see their singleness as an irremediable destination .

This is usually captured by the phrase "I can not find that special person". How can we approach these cases psychologically in which the unwanted singleness generates discomfort and tendency to sadness, stress or even depressive symptoms? Below we will see some aspects that must be taken into account in these cases.

Why can not I have a partner? A first step

It must be clear from the first moment that everything we can do to stop suffering from not finding the right partner depends basically on the affected person, since you can not hold others responsible for not complying with the characteristics that are sought or not correspond to our affection .

This, which seems obvious, is something that is often overlooked in times of vulnerability: others are blamed very easily, since that allows us to see incarnated several of the problems that afflict us and offers a possibility of alleviating the discomfort at the expense of the other person's.

1. Reviewing the case of people with a partner

It is possible that the idea of ​​not finding someone special does not only affect single people, but also people who feel distanced from their partner or who think they do not love them enough. In these cases There are a variety of factors that come into play, and that's why we will not talk about these cases in this article .

The best thing in these cases is to start by establishing a fluid communication with the couple on this topic and, from there, explore possibilities together or with the help of professionals.

2. Self-examining

The second point is already a call to action: analyze our own feelings and behaviors to know well what happens to us . There are many ways to experience unwanted singleness; you can look for someone to form a family, or you may also look for a partner because of social pressure, or that you have suffered a rejection in a recent way and that this has generated a crisis.

It is necessary not to give too many things of course in what concerns our true motivations and needs. Only this step can already be a difficult learning process for those people who are not accustomed to self-examining introspectively or who do not have the habit of carrying out activities linked to what is sometimes called emotional intelligence.

3. Working on expectations

Part of the problem of believing that the right person is not found to form a couple is usually found in expectations, which in many occasions they can be deeply shaped by social pressure or even fashion , the film industry and, in general, the world of celebrities.

In these market sectors it is common to invest a lot of money to develop image campaigns to make people offer the best image of themselves, an easily "idealizable" version that often does not even define their real personality well. However, this is something that we often overlook and that makes we create unreal expectations about how people can become 24 hours a day . If we imagine that the normal thing is to be like these young and famous people all day long, tolerance to frustration is killed against the defects of others.

4. Detecting the isolation signals

Those people who show some signs close to depression by not finding a partner, will have more chances to isolate themselves more, which can make them feel more alone. The sadness and despair not only makes you lose the energy to do things like go out and meet people, but also puts us in a loop of thoughts that damages our self-esteem and it makes us think that it is useless to look for company, since nobody is going to be interested in us.

When someone makes movements to approach a sad or depressed person, instead of interpreting this as a good sign, often this produces fear or anxiety, or is taken as a sign of pity or mockery. This leads to the adoption of a defensive attitude that expresses in a non-verbal way the idea that one wants to remain alone, which often causes this person to withdraw. This, in turn, is memorized as an unpleasant situation that has ended in the return to solitude, which confirms the ideas that one is destined to be alone.

If we have decided that we really want to meet new people, it is important that we try to force ourselves to carry out activities that increase our possibilities of interacting with third parties, even if we do not feel like it at all because of our low state of mind. For this, the collaboration of our friends, who usually offer a very good emotional support, is very helpful.

5. Finding ways to meet people

This is one of the most obvious steps to find interesting people, and it is good to take time to explore them all. In the case of the possibility of meeting people online, it is important to get rid of the negative prejudices associated with this form of initial contact that still exist They are based on stereotypes about people who have traditionally used computers to entertain themselves and, apart from relying on fallacies and caricatures of reality, they have become very old-fashioned.

6. Other proposals of love

Finally, there is something worth taking into account: there is also the possibility of having emotional relationships that do not stick to the couple tied by traditional romantic love. Polyamory is one more form of affectivity that many people find useful.


As much as we think "I can not find that person" this is just a description of the present situation, not a statement about how things should be and how our future will be.

It is important to break with the loop of ideas related to sadness and despair, which limit our range of movements, and force us to carry out those activities that we know will help us meet more people.

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