Toxic mothers: these 12 characteristics make them unbearable
In the field of the family there are all kinds of people who, in certain cases, can convert education during our first years of life into a very negative experience .
And there is no natural law according to which the relationship with mothers and fathers is easy. Many times, the context in which we live, or hard experiences lived in the past, make the way in which we interact with some family is distorted. In this case we will talk about a phenomenon that can be known as "toxic mothers" .
How are the toxic mothers?
Mothers, because of their traditional caregiver role that is still preserved in many countries and partly also because of the special attachment bond they establish with their children during breastfeeding, are a fundamental element in this aspect, and their influence on the Parenting is usually more determinant than that of parents.
Those toxic mothers who are voluntary or involuntary and who, moved by love or self-interest, they transform the education of some people into a calvary, they can leave a mark on the people raised by them .Related article: "Toxic families: 4 ways in which they cause mental disorders"
These are people who establish a negative bond with their children, to the point of making actions that in principle can be based on love and affection become a belt that limits the freedom and well-being of others.
Despite what may seem, the responsibility that the relationship is not good it does not have to be completely from the mother . Relationships are two-way roads, and however bad a link may seem, many times the two people involved may be doing something to improve it.
Now, what characterizes toxic mothers is that, although sometimes they are not guilty of the bad relationship to 100%, to the sons or daughters the sacrifice of having to carry this relationship can be such a heavy burden that, despite being able to look for ways to improve the situation, that option is unaffordable, because it would require much suffering for a longer time. Therefore, many times the situation leads to loss of contact .
Toxic mothers voluntarily or involuntarily: their characteristics
Knowing identify the cases in which someone behaves like a toxic mother is very important to put a brake on the situation and make this adult re-learn to educate properly.
These are some of the signs that can be useful when identifying them . Not all of them have to occur at the same time, but they offer a guideline about their behavior.
1. Fixation with gender roles
Some toxic mothers are because they feel that their cultural daughters should pass on to their daughters what it is supposed to be a woman. That is why, without realizing it, they will pressure their daughters to adopt a submissive attitude towards men and so that they conceive the tasks of the home as a responsibility of theirs (independently of their real preferences).
Normally the extremely conservative toxic parental figures do not care so much to educate their daughters in this sense, but leave this task to the mothers.
2. The illusion of the "Prince Charming"
A problem derived from the previous one is that toxic mothers with a very conservative profile educate their daughters on the idea that they will not be happy without a man by their side .
In this way, they are educated so that they feel sadness and sorrow if for whatever reason they are single for a time that they consider excessive, and they get involved in couple relationships simply to escape the singleness.
3. Controlling personality
This is a characteristic of the toxic mothers that is reflected in their way of educating their sons and daughters. In these cases, mothers usually assume that as a mother figure they must have the maximum responsibility for the education of their children, to the extent that the latter have no capacity to decide what they do.
Of course, it is a very damaging idea that feeds a dynamic of relationships in which any choice must pass through the mother , leaving the little ones without the possibility of learning to be autonomous and learn from their successes and mistakes.
4. The projection on the sons and daughters
This is a characteristic that both toxic mothers and their male analogs share: the tendency to believe that their offspring must become the "ideal self" that they never became . That is why, sometimes, many parents and mothers point their children to such an amount of extracurricular activities that the latter end exhausted and without time or desire to devote what they really like.
In addition, as toxic mothers and toxic parents perceive their offspring always taking into account the fact that they belong to a generation, they pose this as a race against time: they want to make their children perfect in the shortest possible time. That is why, sometimes, they begin to "train" certain capacities of these when they are very young, before they are 7 or 8 years old, and force them to continue practicing over the years.
5. Distrust of friends
Some toxic parents can come to assume both the role of protective women who prohibit their sons and daughters from establishing a friendship with people they consider suspicious, even for their simple appearance. This, of course, produces intense frustration in the little ones , who can learn that friendships are kept secret, thus creating a circle between the circle of friends and the family that in adult life can lead to the isolation of the latter.
In addition, in some cases, the criteria by which it is established that a friend is acceptable becomes a sign of racism, which is inculcated into their offspring this discriminatory mental scheme since their early years.
6. Passive-aggressive attitude
Toxic mothers do not adapt to the fact that the way in which they try to educate is totally rejected, and they will continue trying to behave as at the beginning, without learning from experience.
What does change often is your state of mind, which usually happens to be that of a frustrated person who renounces to change strategies to see if better results are obtained. Normally, in these cases it is necessary the help of another person so that these mothers see with perspective that their discomfort can be mitigated by trying new things.
There are mothers who, instead of being controlling, are exactly the opposite . In many cases disguised as permissive what is really indifference or unwilling to manage clashes of interests between them and children.
The result of this is usually small that have the Emperor Syndrome and, adult, defenseless people in adult life, who fall easily into frustration and with low tolerance to situations that generate anxiety.