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Why many people fail us, and how to avoid it

Why many people fail us, and how to avoid it

March 31, 2024

One of the first lessons we learn when entering adulthood is that justice is something created by the human being, not a principle that governs nature. Beyond some religious and clearly metaphysical concepts such as karma, we assume that the normal thing is that we have to fight to do justice, instead of letting it be done alone.

But knowing this does not mean that certain problems of personal relationships become less frustrating The appearance in our lives of people who fail us when we believe they should be able to be there for us is one of those unsettling experiences before which we do not always know how to respond.

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When personal relationships disappoint us

It has happened to all of us; There are people with whom, despite sharing good moments and conversations full of sincerity, we end up distancing ourselves from seeing that they are not there when we need them the most. Even after we've done them important favors.

The disappointment experienced in these cases is not usually the cause of distancing, but another consequence of that little betrayal . However, in those moments we usually remember that, technically, others do not have to fit our expectations. For something they are completely independent of us, they do not exist to satisfy our needs. That as children we had parents who encouraged actions and penalized others does not mean that nature will distribute prizes and punishments automatically. It is a fact that favors do not have to be returned.

But ... should we settle for that explanation? When we realize that the people who fail us start to be suspiciously numerous , Are not there more possible explanations besides mere chance?

Why is almost nobody there for me?

It is important to understand that in virtually any personal problem there are causes (not necessarily blame) in ourselves and in the context in which we live. Since to understand the second factor it is necessary to study case by case, next we will see two possible explanations related to the second factor. Both indicate a possibility of improvement of the situation .

A bias towards toxic relationships

We may have a bias to especially appreciate the company a profile of people that, simply, commits very little with the relationships of couple or friendship. People with a superficial charm, for example, who are very friendly but always keep their distance so as not to get involved in other people's problems. Or simply people extremely individualistic and not very lonely that, due to their rebellious appearance, we find attractive.

If we dedicate a lot of time and effort to create friendships to establish contact with these people, we will be more frustrated in the medium and long term, when a good part of the people with whom we relate begin to fail.

That's why it's good reflect on the possible existence of these biases and reorient the mission of meeting people to other people or social circles. Perhaps the prejudices and the little variety of places by which we relate with others are limiting our possibilities of knowing people who fit well with us.

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Learning to be there for oneself

Good and evil are not two elements totally separate from each other. Both depend in large part on the context of the person who reproduces them through their actions. For example, it is not the same to steal being a part of the middle class than to do it in begging. Keeping this in mind, it is understood that the same people who totally ignore our needs do not care about us can become very good friends of ours in a different context .

And what is it that can be doing that potential friendship is only being experienced as something totally superficial? Among other things, it may have to do with a problem of self-esteem and assertiveness .

If others perceive that we do not value ourselves, they tend to imitate our behavior, because we are the best experts about ourselves. Part of the absence of the people who are there to accompany and support us may be because we send the signal that doing that is too much.

For example, if we systematically renounce defending our points of view, or defend ourselves against unfair criticism, the idea that we communicate is that renunciation is our way of life and, consequently, no one should sacrifice time and effort to support us, because in the first place We do not do it, nor do we.

In any case, we must be clear that although the responsibility to improve our self-esteem and assertiveness is ours, that does not mean that the blame for what others do to us also is. In fact, it is possible that the problem of self-esteem originated from unfair behavior of others towards us and that, from there, a vicious circle of self-fulfilling prophecies was created (the others take us very seriously because we foresee that will do).

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