Why trying to make someone love you again is not the solution
For some time, the idea that each person is an island has gained momentum in our society. Individuals are born, develop a series of skills and interests, and try to live as best as possible through them. But this philosophy of life, which of course is nothing more than a simplification of what actually happens, explodes into a thousand pieces when love comes on the scene .
In a healthy relationship, love causes us to question where our own interests end and where those of the other person end. This logic is exciting and captivating, because sharing the existence on a very intimate level gives meaning to what happens to us and what we do. But if the case occurs in which the breakdown or lack of love appears, it turns against us: the almost enslaving need for the other person to love us again .
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Looking at it from a certain perspective, it makes sense that if before we thought we were immersed in a kind of superorganism constituted by two people, when one of them left the remnants of the relationship try to Re-attracting those who have decided to leave . As in theory a very intense affective bond can make a couple become more than the sum of two individuals, once this link is formed there is no turning back.
However, this way of looking at relationships, and relationships in particular, is harmful. Why? Next we will see it, next to some recommendations on what it would be convenient to do.
1. It prevents us from seeing aspects in which we can improve
Sometimes, the emotional ruptures between two people are produced by purely subjective aspects, such as the inability to overcome a traumatic event lived with another person (the loss of a child, the fact of contracting a disease, etc.). But at other times the phenomenon has to do with a personal defect, something that really can be improved in objective terms.
The fact of trying to find a solution by having the other person come back to love us masks this type of mistakes and personal flaws, because if it is an inefficient measure to be happy, placing the problem in the other person and not in oneself is a way of not having to face a task as complex as the change itself.
Who lives in this way always has reasons to lament, but you do not have to make an effort to make relevant decisions and carry them out through a learning and personal development plan.
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2. Dehumanize the other person
It may not seem like it at first, but trying to make someone love us again is to assume that the person we want to recover is a manipulable object . It is about taking for granted not because we can contribute to have more information with which to decide if you want to stay by our side or not, but we can vary your emotions at your convenience. Is there anything more Machiavellian than that?
3. Feel the precedents for harassment
Trying to get someone to love you again is not in itself a form of harassment, but it makes it easier for behaviors of this kind to appear. If we shift the focus of the problem towards the other person, interpreting the situation as if what is wrong is what the other feels, that paves the way for future controlling attitudes .
That's why it's good to keep in mind that the other person is totally capable of leading their own lives, being responsible for themselves and making valid decisions.
4. Reduce one's dignity
The fact of trying to modify the feelings of another person with respect to oneself not only diminishes the dignity of those who want to recover, but also serves to degrade oneself. Normally, this type of experience goes hand in hand with damage to self-esteem, and pretending that everything is due to the absence of love or affection from the other person makes it very easy for us, our value becomes synonymous with the value that the other person gives us .
In other words, in these situations we forget that the other person does not have the ability to judge our value in a bias-free way, seeing us as we really are, so that returning to make us love equals recovering everything the lost value.
This is, then, a paradox: if we try to make someone else feel love for us again, we can assume that they do not have criteria and that they have the wrong feelings, but at the same time it will be very difficult to maintain their self-esteem intact while the person whose emotions we give so much importance act as if we were not important to her .
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It is best to start over
It may sound typical, but it does not stop being true: when a personal relationship is broken and this is not due to a communication failure, it is best to respect the decision of the other person to its ultimate consequences, and give up on marking the calendar of future contacts.
So, in these cases you just have to follow two steps that, although simple in theory, require effort: first, make sure that the other person has not fallen into a deception, and secondly, if you really do not lack relevant information, let it go and go back to build us a life that stimulates us and that has meaning . It is complicated, but not impossible, and with the help of psychological assistance, it is better.