6 manipulation strategies used by abusers
I write this article as a tool for the abused person to identify the weapons that an abusive person can use in order for the victim to forgive him and resume the relationship.
In many occasions, when the person who abuses commits the act of abuse, a series of behaviors follow one another that can be repeated over time and can be reproduced from one individual to another.
When batterers manipulate their victims
I think that it can be useful to provide victims of abuse with this material, so that once the aggression is committed, they should be aware that this type of strategy can be used by their executioner; so it's easier to realize that it's really a modus operandi very common in the profile of abusers, and therefore will increase the chances of preventing these episodes and respond appropriately to them .
1. Anger in response
Many times the abuser is the one who is offended and outraged at being cornered and without arguments that sustain their defense, seeking with this attitude that it is the victim who ends up taking responsibility for the acts and apologizing.
2. Make gas light
This strategy consists in making someone doubt their senses, their way of reasoning and even the reality of their actions . The person tries to make the victim doubt itself, presenting false data, denying reality with expressions such as "I did not say that", "that was not how you are telling" or "do not you remember that you started? "
The abuser or abuser said that things happened that have not really happened with a firmness and security that is usually very credible, so the victim ends up considering if what she has lived has been really as she remembers it. Suddenly he finds himself thinking "well, it's me, I'm exaggerating" or "he may be right", doubting the facts, his sanity and what he felt. It is a manipulation technique that seeks in the other person the sensation of "I will be seeing things where there are none or I am a hysterical". In the end the annulment of the will of the victim is achieved and the perception of their reality is distorted , sometimes to such an extent that it is up to the victim herself who ends up asking for forgiveness. Thus, the person who mistreats takes advantage of any situation of emotional instability of the abused person to demonstrate his psychological vulnerability: "do you see how you put on this nonsense?"; "You're crazy" "You have to see a psychiatrist" etc.
Well, one of the answers to this technique may be to write down the details of what happened right after the assault, which will serve to know how the conflict has been. In this way, the victim will have more weighty reasons to believe in his version of events, even if the other person insists that things did not happen that way.
3. I did it because I love you
Using the concept of "love" as a weapon is also very common, and this attempts to convince the victim that the acts committed have been a consequence of the love felt towards her. "I hit you because I got jealous", "is that of course, I love you so much that I can not imagine my life without you", "if I did not care so much I would not be like that", etc.
Here you have to be clear about that "who loves you well, will make you love" and put aside the ideas that jealousy, possession and control are signs of love.
If someone hits you, they do not love you . If someone makes you feel inferior, he does not love you. If someone abuses you, he does not love you.
4. Accountability to the victim of the facts
Blaming is another of the most common strategies in the profile of an abusive person after an assault . Verbalizations of the type: "you have looked for it", "is that you were provoking", "if you already know how I am for what did you say that?" they are often used for the abused person to end up believing that she was the one who promoted the situation and that she deserved the consequences.
5. Emotional blackmail
This type of strategy consists of a manipulation in which the abuser threatens the victim with a series of catastrophic consequences What will happen if he does not do what he wants? Messages of the type "if you leave me, I will take my life", "as you do not return with me I do not respond to my actions", "without you I am nothing", etc ... they usually refer to the weak points of the victim and serve to victimize so that, in the end, the abused person feels pity, grief or fear and forgive her, because otherwise, she would feel guilty.
To act against emotional blackmail, we must be clear about what they are doing to us.I propose to draw up a list of all the threats that we believe can be used and memorized, so that when they occur, we can be aware of the technique that is being used and be able to act.
6. Promises of change
Show repentance and swear and perjure that what has happened is not going to repeat and that they are going to put all possible means to change.
Here we must be clear that it is the acts that define us, not our words. There is no point in promising a change when a behavior repeats itself over and over again.
Something very important in all these strategies is time . Do not leave time to be convinced. If we are clear that the situation is unjustifiable, we have no obligation to wait until they try to explain their reasons or reasons. The more time they are given, the easier it is that our judgment weakens and their arguments take hold, because of the power they have over us. Abuses are not usually from one day to the next, and therefore, when they occur, there is often a low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence in the victim, something that the abuser will always use to his or her own benefit. That is why it is important not to let them develop their manipulative techniques.