Keys to escape the vicious circle of anger
Is anger a positive or negative emotion? Think of all the times that anger has dominated us; how we have acted, probably uncontrollably and in the consequences.
The answer seems easy, right? Negative, you will be thinking. That is why we must learn to control it. But the question is tricky, because although it is hard to believe, it is both positive and negative. We usually classify emotions in one extreme or another, but the truth is that they are all adaptive, they all exist because they fulfill a function. Even anger? Yes.Related article: "How to control anger? 7 keys to manage it"
What is anger exactly?
Anger, which we can also call anger or anger for comfort, informs us that something is not right for us to defend ourselves. How? Increasing our tension, activating us so that we can take action , either to complain to a friend about how much it bothers us that he is always late and never let us know or to tell our boss that he can not ask us to have a report prepared for the next day, because we need at least a week.
What others do, ask us or demand of us, sometimes leaves us in a compromised and uncomfortable situation in which we debate between what is right and what we would need to do. With the previous examples, many of you will have identified, but probably you will have found fault: "If I say that to my friend will be angry with me, maybe it's better that I also arrive late and that's it ..." or "If I say that to my boss will fire me. " You are right And not. Let me explain why.
The phases of anger ... and how to escape from its clutches
If it is the first time that our friend is late or that our boss asks us to work all night to meet a deadline, it will bother us, but we will hold on, because it is not that bad either, right? But if it has really bothered us, that tension is not expressed, that is, it is not released .
Therefore, it accumulates. When we arrive home after a day of dogs, we are irritable and at the minimum we jump. Who has not spent paying with another person the anger we have been accumulating all day? That is the tension to which I refer. It does not disappear. In the same way that we inflate a balloon more and more and more ... until in the end it explodes .
When rage takes over our brain
When the explosion takes place, we are outside of ourselves and it is precisely then that it becomes more difficult to control ourselves, because that is what we have been doing up to that moment. Or at least it is what we think we do, but drowning, ignoring or burying our emotions is not really controlling them. In order to be able to do it, we must first know and understand them.
The vicious circle of anger
In order to better understand anger, the first step is to discover what it is made of. On the one hand, we have things that bother us, whether they are behaviors of others, events that happen around us and seem unfair and / or uncontrollable or worries, memories of past situations that are still provoking anger, etc. In order to identify what our causes of anger are, it is enough to answer the following question: What makes me mad?
When we have a list or have thought of a time when we felt like this, we will go to the next level: what do I think when I get angry? We may remain blank, it may seem like an overwhelming problem that we can not face and we have thoughts in absolute terms: "It always happens the same to me" "It will never change" "It never is when I need it" "I can not trust in no one". This is the cognitive component, it refers to everything that goes through our mind .
Effects and consequences of outbursts of anger
What do I feel in my body when I get angry? I bet no one will feel relaxed. The heart beats harder, it is difficult for us to breathe or hyperventilate, we tremble, our hands sweat ... We refer to the physiological component.
With these thoughts and these bodily reactions, how do I usually act? I scream, I argue heatedly, I insult, I threaten, I push, I throw objects, I leave without giving explanations, I slam my door, I cry, etc. This is the behavioral component, the way I have to deal with the situation once it has surpassed me, how I release the accumulated tension.
As you can imagine, these components are not independent , but they are related and influence each other.And it is that if I am thinking that the situation has no solution, that they always take advantage of me, etc., the way in which they perceive reality will be distorted, because I will only realize what is convenient for me at this moment, that is to say , how unjust people are, how bad they treat me, how angry I am ... because they will be arguments that give me the reason. While the positive aspects will go unnoticed for me.
This will cause my nervousness, my tension to increase, as well as my bodily reactions, alerting me of what is happening. If I reach this point, I let anger dominate me, for sure, my behavior will be excessive, hurtful and even violent. Which will not bring more than negative consequences. Not only family, social or work problems, but also negative feelings about myself .
Several keys to learn how to manage these emotions
How could I act that way? How did I get to this point? The idea that we have about ourselves and how we behave will undergo a change with the new information. We may not know who we are or what we are capable of doing in a tense situation.
That is why the first step to be able to control anger is to answer the previous questions, reflecting on what I think, feel and how I act about it . For it is important to keep in mind that it is not the behavior of others that provokes anger, but the way in which we react to them.