6 keys to avoid absurd couple discussions
Relationships are often contexts in which all emotions are magnified. It is frequent that in them the emotional impact of an apparently banal fact is much more powerful than in any other situation and type of interaction. Love makes that, simply, our emotional side take the reins of much of our behavior, for better or for worse.
That is why It is very important to learn to solve those absurd discussions that occur within the relationship , so that they do not leave a mark on our way of thinking about (and interacting with) the other person.
Distinguishing absurd disputes from those that are not
Now, the first thing we have to do to prevent these problems is to analyze to what extent the history of discussions with our partner is full of disputes that, effectively, they are absurd if they are analyzed with a certain coldness once they have passed .
How to distinguish meaningless discussions from those that are not? For this we must ask ourselves to what extent the discussions and moments of discomfort are due or not to the communication. If a reasonable explanation for a large part of these discussions can be based on a communication problem and expectations, there are many numbers that a good part of them are "silly" discussions, in the sense that what produces them in a communication deficit and a wrong perception of things.
It may be difficult to reach this conclusion, but for this we have a powerful tool: the opinions of others . Other people, whose interests are not compromised by the existence of our relationship and who have seen first hand much of the discussions we have had and the reasons that have produced them, will help us to have a vision as objective as possible about the topic.
We must combine this resource with a sincere and honest effort on our part when analyzing coldly what has happened to us, and the situations that have been giving rise to the disputes.
Avoiding toxic relationships
What if after this stage of review of past discussions we came to the conclusion that the fundamental problem is not communication? Several things can happen: either we are wrong, which is always possible, or the communication problems are the consequence of other types of more serious problems related or not to our relationship, or we are living in one of the so-called toxic relationships .
Toxic relationships are those in which there are serious structural problems in the functioning of the relationship : problems that are very difficult to correct and that seriously damage the welfare of one or both of the people. This generic category also includes those relationships in which there is a clear mistreatment and an unequal power relationship in which one person dominates the other. To learn more about toxic relationships, you can read this article.
Preventing meaningless arguments
At this point, we already know that silly discussions have too much impact on our relationship, which is why we are interested in preventing them from happening again .
We know, in addition, that this is a problem that can be solved, even in the medium and long term, since unlike what happens in toxic relationships, what produces it is not something structural, but rather superficial and that it can be corrected by learning and unlearning certain behaviors. For this, they are precisely the keys to avoid silly couple discussions presented below.
Keys to avoid discussions of this type
These are some principles to follow in the mission to make the life of a couple enter another relationship dynamic, another phase.
Although what you want to correct is not part of the core of the relationship or can be associated with a toxic relationship, that does not mean that managing it is an easy task, because this is a mission in which both members of the couple have to be involved . Thus, the optimal thing would be to reinforce the application of these keys with couples therapy sessions .
1. The first contact
We start from a situation in which there is an asymmetry: we want to begin to prevent and manage in a more or less systematic way absurd couple discussions, but the other person does not yet know it. The first step of a project based on improving communication between two people is obviously to communicate it to them. And to do so, we must take advantage of a moment of calm, in which the mood of both is good and the samples of affection are possible. It is also necessary to make sure that you have enough time to talk .
In this way the two components of the relationship will associate the beginning of this plan with that pleasant context in which it began to take its first steps, and will interpret this initiative as what it is: a mission based on good will and the re-establishment of strong and solid affective ties . On the other hand, if we start this phase during or just after an argument, the other person will most likely adopt a defensive attitude.
The explanation should be simple, honest and communicated spontaneously, without following a rigid script, so that nonverbal language is fully adapted to what is said.
2. Examining past situations
Once the first step is taken, and immediately after, if possible, the advisable thing is to remember together absurd past discussions and to speak on the own point of view and in what at that time was thought to be seen. This will make us learn things that we did not know about how the other person sees the relationship, and what their expectations are and what they value most.
If this first talk takes place on motivations that may be of interest to both members of the couple equally, the simple fact of having a dialogue of this kind for the first time is in itself very beneficial.
3. Avoiding reproaches
In the remembrance of past discussions, there is a danger that the two components of a couple have to avoid: falling into reproaches .
This does not mean that we can not express things that once caused us anger (in fact, it is advisable to do so), but we have to pay attention to the way in which we communicate them so that they do not sound like a show of revenge in which We mainly seek that the other person repents and recognizes that we are right. That is, it is a question of forms, not of content .
4. Scheduling talks about the status of the relationship
At this point, you may have been talking about it for a while, so the best thing is to end the first talk .
However, the completion of this first session (it is a session of self-therapy, however improvised and informal it may be) both members of the couple have to commit to re-dedicate a moment to talk about how they perceive the relationship , to give their point of view on possible real or potential conflicts, etc.
5. Renouncing the internet as a means to communicate a lot
One of the measures to be implemented is, directly, reach an agreement to use the internet only to communicate the essential and the most objective . The samples of affection sent through a chat can be fine if they are simple, but should not be part of a speech too elaborate. Real communication should be reserved only for situations in which dialogue is face to face.
The objective of this is to eliminate the spaces in which the communication is ambiguous in the moments in which we are learning to adopt the point of view of the other person. Later, when it is perceived that absurd discussions have subsided, you can re-use chats without restrictions.
6. Creating action protocols
In one of these talks you can set protocols to carry out over those discussions that we think are based on nothing , that is, in the lack of dialogue. For example, it may consist of a simple gesture. However, in order not to detract from this symbol, a firm commitment is necessary not to use this as a resource to escape from discussions based on something serious.